March 29, 2012
I’m Converting to Islam
I believe all religions to be a path to one universal God – the spoke and hub approach, if you will. One of the wonderful things about spirituality is that we all get to choose the path that works best for us, whether that be idolizing a big fat Chink, praying to some fucked-up half elephant/half octopus thing with an affinity for cows, wearing magic underwear, spending Sunday mornings listening to the angry rantings of an aged queen with a harem of gay kids he calls his “altar boys”, or inviting family and friends over to watch an old heeb in a funny hat cut off a chunk of your son’s dick. Recently I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what faith might work best for me. I believe it all comes down to what I want most in life. After much pondering, I’ve determined that what I really desire is the freedom to be a hateful, violent, sociopath, yet have the love and respect of the Xanga community and liberals everywhere. Thus it is clear that I should be a Muslim. And so now I am! Going forward, please refer to me as Sheikh Muhammad al Yusuf bin Skanlyn.
Yes, I’ve finally found what I have been searching for all my life. I recently ceased bathing and shaving (Allah really detests hygiene) and I have begun familiarizing myself with Sharia Law. Yeah, it’s a little strict in some areas but there are perks. For example, I get to beat my woman! Now anyone who knows me knows I’m a big fan of violence against women and the “Religion of Peace” is all about dat shit (yeah boi!)! Oh yeah, and then there’s that honor killing provision which may come in really handy someday, should my daughters grow up to be the type of slutty bitches that would try to attend school, dance, or go out in public without a burqua.
For a long time, society used to really frown on violence in general, let alone that committed against women and children. Thanks to 9/11 though, we Muslims are now adored for the very shit that used to be considered evil! It don’t matter what kind of heinous stuff we do, y’all deem us justified on account of American foreign policy during the Reagan, Bush, and Bush years! Is that awesome or what? Man, either you’re all stupid or we’re really, really smart! I like to think the latter. I mean, we have to be brilliant to convince compassionate liberals around the world to hate Jews again. That shit really fell out of style after the Hitler years. Then we started blowing up shit in Israel and talking about Zionism and suddenly we've got you all expressing the sentiments of the most patriotic Germans from 1939!
Yes, savage violence, misogyny, antisemitism. These are all the things I look for in a religion and I’ve found them all in Islam.
What religion best meets your needs?