Month: August 2013

  • The New Guy at Work


    08/07/2013 05:30pm

    So a few weeks ago Boss Billy mentioned he hired somebody new who just started this past Monday. Me and Jimmy finally got to meet him today and all I can say is “Boy! What a loser!” Motherfucker actually comes to work wearing glasses. Can you believe that? And his first week on the job when he should be tryna make a good impression! Nobody likes dudes who wear fucking glasses. I mean it can be kinda sexy with bitches cuz you can cum all over the lenses and stuff but ain’t no excuse for a man to wear glasses unless he’s a fucking faggot or something. Anyway, we saw the goggle-eyed little fruit over there in the copy room this afternoon and went to go introduce ourselves.

    “Hey there,” I said, “I’m SKANNY and this is my boi Jimmy.”

    “Ah, nice to meet you fellas,” he said all faggoty, “I’m Dale.”

    “Dale?!” I said, “That’s kinda a girl’s name ain’t it?”

    “Well actually it’s a unisex name. You know like Terry or Dana or Kelly.”

    “Unisex?” said Jimmy, “What’s that mean, like you’re one of them transgendervestites or some shit like that?”

    “Ah, no, at least not the last time I looked, ha-ha,” he said with a little faggot laugh. Then he goes on to tell us “I’m just your average red-blooded American male.”

    “So what’s up with the glasses?” I asked him.

    “I’m sorry, what do you mean what’s up with them?”

    “Why the fuck you wearing them?” I asked.

    “They’re corrective lenses. I have myopia.”

    “What the fuck is myopia? That one of them faggot diseases like The Hiv or something?” I asked the four eyed fuck.

    “Uh, no. It’s the term for what’s more commonly known as ‘nearsightedness’. I have trouble seeing at a distance. The actual condition is called myopia though.”

    “I see. So that’s like the scientific term,” I said.

    “Well yes, if you will,” the four eyed fuck said.

    “Oh, so you’re a Mr. Science,” said Jimmy.

    “Well I don’t know if I’d call myself a Mr. Science but I’ve always found science fascinating. Back when I was in school it was always my favorite class.”

    “Got good grades in science I bet, didn’t ya?” I said.

    “As a matter of fact I did. Always straight A’s when it came to science,” he said.

    “You know, when I went to school the kids who did good in science were usually faggots. Are you a faggot?” I asked him.

    “Uh, no. Actually  I’m married to a beautiful wife with two beautiful children.”

    “Married, huh? That wife of yours have a dick?” I asked.

    “No, I can honestly say she does not.”

    “I don’t know about the rest of ‘em around here,” Jimmy told him, “but we’re true-blooded Americans. Red, white, and blue all the way. We believe marriage should be between one man and one woman, not some faggot and a fucked-up freak of nature with titties and a dick.”

    “Well my wife is certainly no freak of nature and, I assure you, she has only female reproductive organs.”

    “Much to your chagrin I bet, faggot,” I said.

    “No, I’m happy with her just the way she is,” said the four eyed faggot.

    “Yeah, sure ya is,” said Jimmy, “I bet you wish she had a big monster dick.”

    “Yeah,” I concurred with Jimmy, “You like dicks, big monster dicks, dontchya.”

    “Um, well I certainly appreciate my own but no, not really into that sort of thing.”

    “Do those glasses help you see dicks better?” I asked.

    “Well, I suppose if that’s what I was looking at they would.”

    “See, I knew it,” said Jimmy, “He’s a faggot.”

    “Yeah,” I said then pulled his glasses off his face.

    “Hey now, gimme those back,” he said.

    “What’s the matter?” I asked, “You got some dicks to suck and you’re afraid you won’t be able to find them without your faggot glasses.”

    “Yeah, I bet that’s what it is,” said Jimmy.

    I then bent the glasses at the nose part, snapping them in two, and threw them to the floor. “Ooops!” I said.

    Jimmy started to laugh, “How ya gonna see them dicks now?” he asked.

    “I guess he’ll just have to go around poking his beak everywhere ‘til he finds one to suck on, like a blind bird tryna find a worm,” I said.

    “He’s such a faggot,” Jimmy said then we both started punching him in the stomach, face, and balls. Jimmy got him good with a left hook that sent him straight to the floor. We then started kicking him and stomping on him. He was all tryna  protect himself with his arms and legs but having that faggot disease, tapioca or whatever the fuck he called it, he couldn’t see well enough to block our kicks.

    “Stop! Stop!” he pleaded.

    At that point, Jimmy picked up the laser printer and dropped it right on his fucking head. That motherfucker was out cold after that let me tell ya! There was all blood coming out of his nose and from around his eye and shit. That’s when Boss Billy came over. At first we were like “Aw shit!” cuz we thought we’d be in trouble or something but it was just the opposite.

    “Wow! You boys really did a number on this four eyed fuck face!” said Boss Billy.

    “Well, you know,” I said, kind of blushing cuz I’m a modest guy.

    Jimmy, who ain’t quite so modest, said. “Yeah, we fucked him up good!”

    “Great team work guys!”

    “Gee thanks,” I said, “When we first saw you coming over here I was thinking we should split cuz you’d be all mad and shit.”

    “No, no,” said Boss Billy, “I fucking hate that eyeglasses wearing piece of homo dog shit. I didn’t wanna hire him but my boss made me. Said he was ‘the most qualified guy for the job’. I was like, ‘Yeah but he wears glasses which makes him a faggot and a fucking asshole and probably a kid toucher too’ but he was all like ‘hire him anyway’ so I hadda. Anyway, good work boys and to show you how much I appreciate your efforts, I’m gonna give you each a 50% raise effective tomorrow.”

    “Wow! Thanks Boss Billy,” I said.

    “Yeah, thank you Sir,” said Jimmy, all tryna kiss his ass by calling him Sir.

    “Only thing is,” said Boss Billy, “The laser printer. That might be a problem. Which one of you guys broke that.”

    I could see Jimmy was real nervous but he’s an honest guy so he came right out with the truth. “It was me Sir. I did it. Sorry.”

    “That’s gonna have to be replaced,” Boss Billy said, “and I am gonna have to deduct the cost from your pay.”

    “Man!” said Jimmy.

    “But don’t worry,” said Boss Billy, “I’ll just give you a bonus to offset it.”

    “Sweet!” said Jimmy.

    Just then Gina and Stacy from HR came over and were like “Hey guys!” and we were like “Hey girls!”

    “It was soooo sexy watching you beat-up that fucking asshole with the glasses. He's such a faggot,” said Gina.

    “Yeah, it got me so wet watching it,” said Stacy. She then pulled up her skirt to show us her white panties which were so soaked you could see right through them, her crease and everything.

    “You know boys,” said Gina, “I live just around the corner. How ‘bout at lunchtime we head over to my place so we can suck your dicks and let you fuck us in our pussies and stuff.”

    “Sounds like a plan,” I said.

    “You be good to these guys,” said Boss Billy, “And hell, why wait until lunch? I’m giving you all the rest of the day off so you can suck and fuck all day long!”

    And that’s exactly what we did! It was the bestest day ever!