September 11, 2009

• 9/11: What Really Happened

  How It All Went Down
  09/11/2009 12:01am

  It should be apparent to all by now that the U.S. government was responsible for the attacks on September 11, 2001. Even Charlie Sheen says so. However, it seems that many of my fellow liberal Xanga bloggers are still in denial over this incontrovertible fact. After all, it seemed like truly a great day for us Democrat voters as America finally got its due punishment for what our Republican leaders have done in the name of oil. Many of us danced in the streets, handing out candy to the children, as we celebrated the great victory that we thought we witnessed. As time went on though and more and more information came to light, it seemed that there were more questions than answers and it became clear that the Bush Administration was engaging in a massive cover-up. This culminated in the September 11^th Commission Report, a 571 page volume that seemed only slightly more believable than something authored by the Brothers Grimm.

  So what really happened on September 11^th? To answer that, I carefully examined all of the circumstantial evidence and compiled the following transcript of a meeting in the Oval Office that took place on Friday, September 7th, 2001.
  

  George W. Bush: Before we adjourn, does anyone have anything else they’d like to bring up?

  Dick Cheney: Yes Mr. President, there’s something that I’ve been meaning to discuss.

  George W. Bush: Sure thing. What is it Dick?
  

  Dick Cheney: Well, as you know, when I resigned from Haliburton they gave me a very handsome severance package worth nearly sixty million dollars.
  

  George W. Bush: Well I’d say that was mighty generous of them Dick.

  Dick Cheney: Well yes Mr. President, it was. But, with such generosity comes a certain amount of obligation. You see, when I stepped down there was quite a bit of concern about the future of the company.
  

  George W. Bush: That’s very understandable.

  Dick Cheney: Yes Mr. President. I was however able to reassure everybody that once we stole the election from Gore and I was Vice President, I would see to it that Haliburton would be privy to lots of sweetheart deals and government contracts.
  

  George W. Bush: I see.

  Dick Cheney: Now, as you know, things have been pretty dry and I was hoping you might be able to help me out, see to it that the shareholders and hardworking executives of Haliburton don’t continue to suffer.
  

  George W. Bush: Well, what did you have in mind Dick?
  

  Dick Cheney: Well Sir, I was thinking we could invade Iraq. We do, after all, still have some unfinished business there leftover from your father’s administration.

  George W. Bush: Gee Dick, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.
  

  Dick Cheney: Now hear me out Sir, we would start with a massive bombing campaign, lots of destruction. It goes on for a couple of months, then you fly in and declare victory to our troops and we have Haliburton go in and clean it all up and spend the next several years rebuilding.
  

  George W. Bush: Ohhhh, I don’t know. I mean I just can’t go around invading countries. The American people would never go for it, putting their sons and daughters in harm’s way for no good reason.
  

  Dick Cheney: Well, I was thinking we could give them a good reason.

  George W. Bush: Oh?

  Dick Cheney: What if we were to fly a couple of planes into the Pentagon and World Trade Center? You know, bring the Twin Towers right down and do some heavy damage to the Pentagon then blame it on that Osama Bin Laden.

  George W. Bush: But Dick, Osama Bin Laden is in Afghanistan, not Iraq.

  Dick Cheney: Yeah, yeah I know Sir. Here’s the thing though, we can start off by bombing Afghanistan and shooting the place up. That way we’ll get to kill off lots of Muslims. We’ve been meaning to wipe out Islam for a while now because of how it empowers the blacks.  

  George W. Bush: Yeah,like that up and coming Senator Barack Obama. You just know he’s eventually gonna be trouble. We Republicans sure do hate Muslims and blacks – all minorities in fact. Except of course for the Indians and Orientas since they’re good at math and science and can help us build the bombs and missiles we need to unjustly force our will on the rest of the world.

  Dick Cheney: Exactly Sir. Now after we’ve been bringing death and destruction to the Afghan people for several weeks, we tie everything back to Saddam Hussein who we say is funding Bin Laden and producing weapons of mass destruction. Then we let the fireworks begin.
  

  George W. Bush: Sounds like a plan but how will we set it in motion?

  Dick Cheney: [pressing the intercom button on the President’s desk phone] Maria, send in our envoy.
  

  Marie: [speaking over the intercom] Yes Mr. Vice President.

  The door to oval office opens and the envoy enters.

  George W. Bush: Ah, Everybody Loves Raymond, how are you?
  

  Everybody Loves Raymond: Great Mr. President. As they say, TGIF – thank God It’s Friday.

  Dick Cheney: Ha, ha, ha, yes indeed Mr. Loves Raymond, yes indeed.

  Everybody Loves Raymond: Dickie C., how the hell are ya?
  

  Dick Cheney: Never been better my friend. Never been better. Love the show by the way.

  George W. Bush: Yes, it’s been real funny lately. Love that guy who plays Young Frankenstein. He makes Laura and me laugh real hard.
  

  Everybody Loves Raymond: Why thank you. We try our best to entertain the people.

  George W. Bush: Well you’re doing a good job.

  Everybody Loves Raymond: Much appreciated Mr. President. So what can I do for you boys?

  Dick Cheney: Well I know you have some suicide bombers on retainer.    

  Everybody Loves Raymond:  I certainly do.

  Dick Cheney: Can any of them fly large aircraft?
  

  Everybody Loves Raymond: Can any of them fly large aircraft?  Can any of them fly large aircraft, he asks? Why of course, they all can! Not very good at landing but they definitely can handle themselves in the air.

  Dick Cheney: Great! We need a couple of planes to take out the World Trade Center and one to hit the Pentagon.
  

  Everybody Loves Raymond: Consider it done Mr. Vice President. I got ‘em ready and waiting. Monday night on my show I’ll just give the ol’ secret hand signal and it will be done Tuesday morning.

  Dick Cheney: Outstanding!
  

  Colin Powell: In all due respect Mr. Vice President, I don’t think it’s such a good idea to kill hundreds, if not thousands of our own citizens in an act of false flag terrorism. That type of thing could really backfire on us.

  Dick Cheney: Hush boy, you need to learn your place as one of our token darkies. Learn to be more submissive like Condi over there. That’s why she gets to sleep in the house and you have to stay in the barn all night.
  

  Condoleeza Rice: Oh lawdy Masser Vite Pred-dent, I sho does appree-dee-ate dat. You and Masser Pred-dent showly am the Massers of Massers.

  Dick Cheney: Aw Miss Condi, you are just too kind. Say, why don’t you go and mix us up a nice pitcher of Country Time lemonade.
  

  Condoleeza Rice: Yessah Masser Vite Pred-dent, yessah!

  George W. Bush: But what about what Colin says Dick? Could this end up backfiring on us? I mean what if someone finds out about our evil plan.
  

  Dick Cheney: We’ll just call them crazy and un-American then pass the PATRIOT Act and send them off to Guantanamo Bay to be imprisoned indefinitely without writ of Habeus Corpus. We got it all figured out.

  George W. Bush: Well, okay then but do you think a couple of planes are going to be able to take down those two towers? I mean no plane crash in history has ever been able to take down a building that size.
  

  Everybody Loves Raymond: Not to worry Mr. President, I’ll call my buddy King of Queens and have him send his set crew over there this weekend to wire up some charges inside the North and South Towers, as well as Building 7. We can take down that one too for good measure and blame it on flaming debris.

  Dick Cheney: Great idea Everybody Loves Raymond!
  

  Everybody Loves Raymond: No problem. Anything me an my ultra right wing TV wife Patricia Heaton can do for your corrupt and illegitimate Republican administration, just let us know. We’re happy to oblige, even if it results in the deaths of 3,000 fellow Americans.

  George W. Bush: All righty then, let’s blow them up, blow them up real good.
  

  Dick Cheney: As you wish Mr. President.

  George W. Bush: Excellent, now if you’ll all excuse me, I’m off to go have bestialities with an armadillo, which is what we fundamentalist Christians from Texas do between rallying for school prayer and petitioning for a constitutional amendment to protect the sanctity of marriage. [Looking at Cheney] Dick, I believe we have a meeting later this afternoon to discuss how we can deny affordable health insurance to a greater number of working people while creating more tax breaks for the wealthiest one percent of Americans.
  

  Dick Cheney: Yes Sir we do.

  George W. Bush: Great, I’ll see you then.

  On the night of Monday September 10^th, 2001, Everybody Loves Raymond gave the secret hand signal during his time slot on CBS, green lighting the attacks that would happen the following morning. His show would continue to run for another four years and continues in syndication to this day. Bush and Cheney wrecked havoc around the globe for the remainder of their tenure under the guise of a so-called “War on Terror”. On January 20, 2009, that troublesome Senator Barack Hussein Obama was sworn in as the nation’s first African-American, Muslim, communist, terrorist-sympathizing President. As for the pitcher of lemonade that Condoleeza Rice was supposed to make, well no one quite knows whatever happened to that.

  And the rest, as they say, is history. 

   

  

  • 12:01 am
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