April 11, 2009
AN OFFICER AND A GERBIL
Fact or Faux:
Actor Richard Gere once made a late night trip to the emergency room to have a gerbil extracted from his rectum.
But don’t worry, he’s not homosexual, just Buddhist.
This story has been confirmed by my friend Joey G. whose cousin was a nurse at Cedars Sinai Medical Center back in 1984 and was in the building that fateful night when Mr. Gere made his appearance. Apparently he was practicing a Buddhist ritual that went awry. Curious as to what kind of religion condones the insertion of small mammals into the anal cavity, I decided to look into the matter further. I put on my hat, grabbed my magnifying glass then lit my pipe and uttered “elementary” for no apparent reason and proceeded with my investigation of this “Buddhism”.
From my research I learned the following:
- The religion was founded by some Korean guy named Moon (Buddhists often refer to themselves as “Moonies”).
- Originally the Buddhists were from Indianapolis but then moved their headquarters to California which turned out to be a bad decision. They weren’t accepted there and were constantly harassed by police and politicians who wanted to crack down on them for their communist views. Consequently, they relocated the whole operation to Guyana.
- While in Guyana, they were called Home by their deity, “The Buddha”, a smiling fat man made of chocolate who sits Indian style for all eternity. They mixed up some grape juice with cyanide then drank it and went off to Buddhaland.
The writings that Moon and his followers left behind are the foundation for modern-day Buddhism and describe the many rituals a Buddhist is supposed to follow. As it turns out, Richard Gere had been practicing something called metta bhavana which involves inserting a cardboard tube into the anus then placing a rodent into the tube. One’s hand is then placed over the end of the tube. The rodent, in a desperate search for air, begins frantically burrowing into the anus and, in doing so, stimulates the Buddhist “sacred spot” (i.e., the prostate) thus bringing about an orgasmic state known as nirvana. In addition to the autoerotic pleasure provided, this act is also supposed to prevent one from getting reborn as a bug or, worse yet, a gerbil who meets his/her unfortunate end in someone’s colon.
Contrary to popular opinions on stimulation of the male anus, Buddhists maintain that this ritual “don’t make you queer or nuthin’, just spiritual.” While I certainly have an appreciation for spirituality of any kind, I tend to think this particular variety is not for me. Thus the next time those Buddhist recruiters come knocking at my door on a Sunday morning (you know the ones - white short sleeve dress shirts, black ties, always trying to get you to read their “Watchtower” magazine) I’ll just have to pass on their offer of eternal salvation. I prefer that animals pass through my rectum on the way out only.