April 11, 2009

  • FACT OR FAUX

     

    AN OFFICER AND A GERBIL

     

    Fact or Faux:

    Actor Richard Gere once made a late night trip to the emergency room to have a gerbil extracted from his rectum.

     

    FACT!

     

    But don’t worry, he’s not homosexual, just Buddhist.

     

    This story has been confirmed by my friend Joey G. whose cousin was a nurse at Cedars Sinai Medical Center back in 1984 and was in the building that fateful night when Mr. Gere made his appearance. Apparently he was practicing a Buddhist ritual that went awry. Curious as to what kind of religion condones the insertion of small mammals into the anal cavity, I decided to look into the matter further. I put on my hat, grabbed my magnifying glass then lit my pipe and uttered “elementary” for no apparent reason and proceeded with my investigation of this “Buddhism”.

                         

    From my research I learned the following:

     

    • The religion was founded by some Korean guy named Moon (Buddhists often refer to themselves as “Moonies”).

     

    • Originally the Buddhists were from Indianapolis but then moved their headquarters to California which turned out to be a bad decision. They weren’t accepted there and were constantly harassed by police and politicians who wanted to crack down on them for their communist views. Consequently, they relocated the whole operation to Guyana.

     

    • While in Guyana, they were called Home by their deity, “The Buddha”, a smiling fat man made of chocolate who sits Indian style for all eternity. They mixed up some grape juice with cyanide then drank it and went off to Buddhaland.

    The writings that Moon and his followers left behind are the foundation for modern-day Buddhism and describe the many rituals a Buddhist is supposed to follow. As it turns out, Richard Gere had been practicing something called metta bhavana which involves inserting a cardboard tube into the anus then placing a rodent into the tube. One’s hand is then placed over the end of the tube. The rodent, in a desperate search for air, begins frantically burrowing into the anus and, in doing so, stimulates the Buddhist “sacred spot” (i.e., the prostate) thus bringing about an orgasmic state known as nirvana.  In addition to the autoerotic pleasure provided, this act is also supposed to prevent one from getting reborn as a bug or, worse yet, a gerbil who meets his/her unfortunate end in someone’s colon.

     

    Contrary to popular opinions on stimulation of the male anus, Buddhists maintain that this ritual “don’t make you queer or nuthin’, just spiritual.” While I certainly have an appreciation for spirituality of any kind, I tend to think this particular variety is not for me. Thus the next time those Buddhist recruiters come knocking at my door on a Sunday morning (you know the ones - white short sleeve dress shirts, black ties, always  trying to get you to read their “Watchtower” magazine) I’ll just have to pass on their offer of eternal salvation. I prefer that animals pass through my rectum on the way out only.

     

     

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Comments (73)

  • i've never heard of this buddhist practice before. haha. thanks for the info, very um, insightful?

  • @ohsodainty - I do what I can to keep people informed.

  • wow ur stupid. u must really not have a life at all.

  • i think u have gerbils stimulating your "sacred spot". thanks for the useful information! fag

  • I find this very offensive! I have family who are Buddhist and for you to sit here and make fun of our religion to make up a stupid story about Richard Gere makes you insensitive. Just so you know anything outside of intercourse in Buddhist religion is forbidden and will lead you to getting disrobed and kicked out of the religion. You think your funny? How would you like it if people started making fun of your religion?

  • you really can't be serious... can you?

    this must be a joke, no one could really believe a WORD of what you wrote here, even beyond the hamsters, from INDIANAPOLIS?? REALLY?? hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    and the fact that you had to look up buddhism to know the basics on it most likely insinuates that you never went beyond the seventh grade.

  • i thought it was funny. hahhahah. why is everyone so damn mad? sheeeesh. i'd have to research buddhism too. 

  • I sense a joke post!

  • @nikki10044 - can't you tell that this is a joke???

  • I think you need to look up your facts on Buddhism again.

  • ah, I was thinking he was a christian scientist.

    ROFL this can't be right.
    a Buddhist ritual that went awry
    DUDE, buddhists are not moonies!  You are such a total mind fucker!    it was not founded by a korean guy, rofl.
    OK, roar, I am roaring with laughter with this one:
    metta bhavanawhich involves inserting a cardboard tube into the anus then placing a rodent into the tube.
    LITERALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD RIGHT HERE
    stimulates the Buddhist “sacred spot” (i.e., the prostate) thus bringing about an orgasmic state known as nirvana upposed to prevent one from getting reborn as a bug or, worse yet, a gerbil who meets his/her unfortunate end in someone’s colon.
    hey man, save that red neck hick talk for the christians who actually deserve it!
    Buddhists maintain that this ritual “don’t make you queer or nuthin’, just spiritual.”
    HA HA, now the buddhists are JW's this who blog is entirely clever and hilarious, actually.
    Hey man, chocolate buddha isn't nearly so bizarre to me as rand paul's Aqua Buddha, seriously

  • wish I could rec it repeatedly, ba ha.

  • i really just don't know what to say other than you are one sick bastard. someone should beat you or something. i mean you can't even tell a fucking story using actual facts. coming to your site has just wasted 5 minutes of my time that i will never get back. what a fucking waste you are. you really disgust me. this is me spitting on you.

  • Hahahaha.

    Object lesson in critical thinking, this post. 

  • @Babylons_Crowing - totally!  he keeps us on our toes, although by paragraph 2 I'd pretty much caught up to the spoof.

    @Zen Buddha - Oh Come ON.  Buddha would have laughed his ass off!  Jesus people!

  • @Zen Buddha - hey dumbass every religion gets made fun of, not to mention its not even your religion its a family member of yours'. So pull the hamster out of your ass and get a sense of humor

  • people put stuff on the internet thats not true all the time and we've all looked at this, hell i just wanted proof of the story about richard gere. could care less about the religion. and if you seriously get mad about what nameless, faceless strangers put on stupid webpages like this one then, wow. chill out.

  • To the person who wrote that crap, I want to tell you that you are an idiot and your sense of humour is pathetic.

    Take note please so that you are not tempted to write such crap again. I resent having wasted my time visiting your site. You are pathetic.

  • You pathetic moron.

    You think you are funny ???????  

    Only a retard like yourself could think so.

    So dont waste peoples time and insult their intelligence with your stupid web site.

    YOU ARE PATHETIC

  • can you be my dad?

  •  I was just told tonight that it was TRUE according to someone who worked for the doctor on duty in the ER that night Bruce Frome, M.D. who happens to be an Anesthesiologist in Beverly Hills, CA http://www.casewatch.org/board/med/frome/order.shtml

    Guess the blogger here  http://skanlyn.xanga.com/698639383/fact-or-faux/? could investigate deeper with his friend Joey G's cousins to verify if this doc was on duty that night at Cedars Sinai Medical Center back in 1984 too.

  • I found this pretty funny!!! And for all the ppl that r so offended by this or tell the writer that he's a loser, etc: Why did u come to this site?? I came because I remembered that old rumor tonight and I wanted to see if there was any proof to it....so I imagine that each person who has read this post (even the ppl who commented mean & hurtful things about the writer) HAD to have been in search of any truth of the Richard Gere & gerbil rumor!!! So why r u being such a hater??? If u DON'T believe what he wrote, just take it as a joke!!! If u do believe it, then that's ur choice!!! There's no reason to verbally attack the writer or his/her intelligence!!! That's just f-ed up and shows YOUR character, or lack there of.

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