October 3, 2011

• Screenplay

  Before I sold my soul to Corporate America, I had aspirations to be a screenwriter. This is part of a film script I wrote around 1995/96.

  An Afternoon with Grandpa 

  10/02/2011 04:30pm

  FADE IN:      

  INT. A KITCHEN

  An old man (Grandpa) and his daughter (Suzie), sit at the kitchen table sipping tea.

  SUZIE

  Well anyway dad, I think Billy might be, you know   .   .   .

  GRANDPA

  What makes you think that Suzie?

  SUZIE

  All I know is I walked in his room the other day as he was frantically trying to get his pants up. He told me he was itchy down there and he was just scratching himself.

  GRANDPA

  Yes well, itchy testicles are just as trying for a young boy as they are for a man. 
  

  SUZIE

  I wish I didn’t have such a hard time believing that Dad but he was all flushed and nervous and he had a guilty look on his face.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            GRANDPA

  But are you absolutely sure Suzie?

  SUZIE

  Well not 100% but it seems very likely.  In any case, this is an issue I think we need to address before it gets any more serious.

  GRANDPA

  Have you ever spoken to him about it and told him why this type of behavior is inappropriate.

  SUZIE

  I’m really no good at that sort of thing dad.  I thought maybe you could have a word with him, tell him in your own special way.

  GRANDPA

  I’ll tell you what Suzie, why don’t you run along and leave Billy here for the afternoon, do some shopping or whatnot, and I’ll have a little talk with him.

  SUZIE

  Would you?

  GRANDPA

  Yes, of course.

  SUZIE

  Thank you so much dad. You’ve always been there for me.

  GRANDPA

  That’s what a father is for. Now run along. After today I guarantee that little Billy will abuse himself no more.
  

  INT. GRANDPA’S LIVING ROOM

  Billy is sitting on the floor, in front of the T.V., playing Nintendo. Grandpa walks in just as he makes a fatal error that ends his game.

  BILLY

  Aw, nuts!

  GRANDPA

  Now, now, they’ll be none of that kind of language around here young man!

  BILLY

  Sorry Grandpa, I didn’t know you were here.

  GRANDPA

  Does doing something bad when no one’s around make it any less bad?

  BILLY

  Well if there’s no one around then you won’t get in trouble for it.

  GRANDPA

  You may not get in trouble for it but that doesn’t make what you did any less bad.  If a bad man hurt your mommy but they never caught him does that make what he did okay?

  BILLY

  Well gosh Grandpa, when you say it like that.

  GRANDPA

  And remember, there is someone who is always watching everything you do, who sees everything.  Do you know who that is Billy?

  BILLY

  Santa Claus?

  GRANDPA

  Even more important than Santa Claus Billy.

  BILLY

  Gosh, who could be more important than Santa Claus?
  

  GRANDPA

  God Billy. God.
  

  BILLY

  Oh yeah.I guess God is more important than Santa Claus, even if he doesn’t bring presents.
  

  GRANDPA

  Oh but Billy, he gave you the greatest present of all – the gift of life. And you know what else Billy?
  

  BILLY

  What Grandpa?
  

  GRANDPA

  God watches over all of us and makes sure that no one who does bad ever goes unpunished, even if no one else saw them do it.  Now is there anything you may havedone Billy that perhaps you didn’t realize God was watching you do?
  

  BILLY

  Gosh no Grandpa.  I would never do anything to make God mad at me.

  GRANDPA

  Why don’t you have a seat on the couch and we’ll have a man-to-man talk.
  

  BILLY

  Okay Grandpa. [He sits on the couch] Where did mommy go Grandpa?

  GRANDPA

  Your mommy had to run some errands.  Why don’t you just sit back for a moment and relax.  Can I get you anything to drink?

  BILLY

  No thank you Grandpa.

  GRANDPA

  Not even one of my famous chocolate malts?

  BILLY

  Well okay Grandpa, I guess I’ll have one of those.
  

  GRANDPA

  I knew you couldn’t refuse that one.

  INT. GRANDPA’S KITCHEN.

  Grandpa scoops some chocolate ice cream and deposits it into a blender. He then adds milk.  Next, he pulls down his trousers, squats over his hand, and defecates upon it.

  ANGLE ON THE FECES LYING IN THE PALM OF GRANDPA’S HAND.

  Grandpa drops the fecal matter into the blender then pulls his trousers back up.
  

  ANGLE ON THE BLENDER AS GRANDPA TURNS IT ON AND THE CONTENTS WITHIN ARE LIQUIFIED.
  

  Once the malt is finished, Grandpa pours it from the blender into a glass. He drops a straw in.  He puts the ice cream back in the freezer and the milk back into the refrigerator.  Before closing the refrigerator door, he opens the butter crisper and takes out a zip-lock bag.  He removes a used kotex pad, inhales it deeply several times then puts it back and closes the refrigerator.

  INT. GRANDPA’S LIVING ROOM.

  Grandpa comes out of the kitchen with Billy’s malt.  Billy is watching a cartoon on TV.  Grandpa takes the remote control and shuts off the TV then hands Billy his malt.

  GRANDPA

  They’ll be plenty of time to watch T.V. later.
  

  Billy takes a sip of his malt.
  

  BILLY

  Mmmm! You sure make a yummy malt Grandpa!

  GRANDPA

  It’s made with my special secret ingredient.
  

  BILLY

  What’s your secret ingredient Grandpa?
  

  GRANDPA

  I can’t tell you that Billy, then it wouldn’t be a secret.
  

  BILLY

  I bet God knows what it is.

  GRANDPA

  Yes Billy, I bet he does. I bet he does. In fact, God knows many things. Things that you may think you have kept secret from everyone else.He knows Billy. He knows.

  BILLY

  What does he know Grandpa?
  

  GRANDPA

  Let me show you something Billy.

  ANGLE ON GRANDPA’S BACK AS HE PULLS DOWN HIS TROUSERS AND EXPOSES HIMSELF TO BILLY.

  BILLY

  Grandpa, you have no pee-pee!

  GRANDPA

  That’s right Billy.
  

  BILLY

  Where did it go?

  GRANDPA

  I cut it off.
  

  BILLY

  You cut off your pee-pee Grandpa?
  

  GRANDPA

  Yes Billy, I did.
  

  BILLY

  But why?
  

  Grandpa takes his Bible from the mantle and opens it.
  

  GRANDPA

  Let me read you something Billy. [He opens to Matthew 5:29] “if your right eye causes you to sin, put it out and throw it away! It is much better for you to lose a part of your body than to have your whole body thrown into hell.  If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away!  It is much better to lose one of your limbs than to have your whole body go off to hell.”
  

  He closes the Bible.
  

  BILLY

  But Grandpa, why did you cutoff your pee-pee.
  

  GRANDPA

  Well Billy, I’m afraid it was my pee-pee that caused me to sin.
  

  BILLY

  How did your pee-pee cause you to sin Grandpa.
  

  GRANDPA

  Well, this is something I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to be discussing with you but if I must then I must.
  

  BILLY

  Oh, I know Grandpa, you were humping.
  

  GRANDPA

  Excuse me young man?!
  

  BILLY

  You were humping.  You know, when a boy  rubs his hot dog on a girl’s muffin and it makes milk.
  

  GRANDPA

  [Angry] Where did you learn such a thing?!

  BILLY

  Bobby told me.

  GRANDPA

  Bobby?  Bobby who?

  BILLY

  Bobby McIntrye.  He’s on my bus.
  

  GRANDPA

  Oh really?! Well maybe Bobby’s parents would like to hear about the kind of filthy talk that’s coming out of their little boy’s mouth!
  

  BILLY

  No Grandpa, please don’t tell on him.  He’ll beat me up.

  GRANDPA

  Not to worry Billy, I’m sure little Bobby McIntyre will get what’s coming to him in the end.  Getting back to what I was saying before—

  BILLY

  About how your pee-pee made you sin?
  

  GRANDPA

  Yes Billy, about that.  Back before your Grandpa retired, I was working a lot of hours at the office, trying to launch new products and whatnot. Anyway, I would be staying until very late at night and by the time I got home, both your grandmother and your mom would be already asleep. At work my staff was made up mostly of ladies, and very pretty ladies at that.  Because I was constantly working, I was with those ladies much more than I was with your grandma. A man has needs Billy and it’s not at all unnatural to act on those needs so long as one does so within the context of marriage. Unfortunately, I became so caught up with things at work that I forgot about my marriage and so when it came time to act on those needs, I did so outside the context of it.  It was one Friday night when my assistant Gladys and I were working late. After working nearly twelve straight hours,we took a break to clear our heads.  There was a couch in my office and we were both exhausted so we took a seat on it.  Needless to say, Gladys became very friendly while we were on that couch and I was too tired to resist her friendliness.  We began doing very naughty things until the door suddenly opened.  It was your grandmother.  She was going to surprise me with Chinese food.

  BILLY

  Grandma caught you two humping?

  GRANDPA

  Yes Billy, I’m afraid she did.                                  

  BILLY

  Is that why you got divorced?
  

  GRANDPA

  Yes.  She was right to leave.  I was no longer any good for her and things could never be the same between us. Because of my own selfish desires I hurt her and more importantly I hurt God.  I vowed never to let those desires hurt God or anyone else ever again so I checked into a hotel, sterilized my hunting knife, and cut off my pee-pee.
  

  BILLY

  That must have hurt really bad Grandpa.

  GRANDPA

  Yes Billy, it did.  In fact, it was the worst pain I had ever experienced but, after a while, it went away and I no longer had to fight off those evil desires, the desires that made me sin. I could now focus all my attention on serving God.
  

  BILLY

  I’ll bet that made God happy.
  

  GRANDPA

  Yes, it made him very happy.  The reason I tell you all of this Billy is because your mom thinks you might be starting down the same road I was on. When your mom walked into your room the other day, you weren’t itching yourself were you?
  

  BILLY

  No sir.
  

  GRANDPA

  You were touching yourself in a naughty way, weren’t you?
  

  BILLY

  Yes sir.

  GRANDPA

  Now I know Billy that this doesn’t seem like a big deal to you right now but believe me when I tell you it will lead to no good later on. There are also certain physical side effects that  –  acne, unwanted body hair, even blindness.
  

  BILLY

  I could go blind Grandpa.

  GRANDPA

  Yes, I’m afraid so.  But more seriously, you will have corrupted the soul that God took so much care to create.
  

  BILLY

  Gosh Grandpa, I would never wanna do that.
  

  GRANDPA

  Then what are we gonna do about this?
  

  BILLY

  Maybe you should cut my pee-pee off like you did with yours.
  

  GRANDPA

  Perhaps, but that’s something you’ll have to decide on your own.

  BILLY

  Will it make God happy?
  

  GRANDPA

  Well Billy, you’ll be making a tremendous sacrifice on his behalf and if there’s one thing that pleases God, it’s putting him ahead of yourself.
  

  BILLY

  Well then if it will please him, then I will have it done.
  

  GRANDPA

  Very well then Billy, very well.
  

  FADE OUT.

  FADE IN:

  INT. GRANDPA’S KITCHEN

  ANGLE ON GRANDPA’S SHINY STERLING HUNTING KNIFE AS HE SHARPENS IT.

  Billy sits tied to one of the kitchen chairs. He is trouserless.  An iron stands atop an ironing board beside him.  There is a drop cloth on the floor.

  GRANDPA

  All right now Billy, this is gonna hurt a bit.

  ANGLE ON THE BACK OF THE CHAIR AS GRANDPA BEGINS CUTTING.
  

  Billy immediately starts screaming and begins writhing in the chair to get away from the blade.

  GRANDPA

  Sit still now Billy, it will make this a lot easier for the both of us.
  

  BILLY

  [Screaming and crying] Stop Grandpa! Stop!  Please!

  GRANDPA

  Now, now Billy, just hold on a bit longer. [He vigorously begins hacking away the last bit of connecting tissue].  There we go, all done. [He places the penis on the ironing board then picks up the iron].  Sit tight, this will stop the bleeding.
  

  Billy screams loudly as Grandpa puts the iron on his wound. There is a searing sound as steam is seen flowing upwards.
  

  ANGLE ON THE IRON WITH STEAM POURING OUT FROM UNDERNEATH.
  

  Billy passes out just as Grandpa finishes.  He puts the iron back on the board.  He goes to the refrigerator and takes out a pickle jar. He unscrews the cap and places it on the counter.  He then picks up the penis and holds it above the jar which has three other severed penises in it.

  GRANDPA

  [With a deranged look on his face]

  And what a tasty pickle this will make!

  He drops the penis into the jar.

  FADE TO BLACK.

   

  

  • 8:19 pm
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