April 19, 2009
-
Ahem
The Chronic Throat Clearer: A New Breed of Domestic Terrorist
It seems people cannot be silent these days. No, I don’t expect everyone to go all Marcel Marceau and shit. I’ve come to expect and I accept that people are inclined to converse with one another. However, when a person is not speaking, one would logically expect their mouth to not make sounds. Observation tends to demonstrate otherwise. Nearly every time I am in a public setting, I find myself in the presence of one or more persons who are compelled to create a Phil Spector-esque wall of sound with their noisy breathing, humming, whistling, sighing, gum snapping, teeth sucking, loud yawning, or various other noises. Worst of all are the assholes who incessantly clear their throats every twenty seconds or so.
I first began to notice this phenomenon a few years ago while at the local library perusing back issues of Tiger Beat on microfiche. I was doing some research for my Leif Garrett fansite and, while reading the heart wrenching account of Leif’s very painful break-up with Tatum O’Neal in the June 1977 issue, I heard it for the first time. From out of nowhere, an indescribably terrible sound reached up from the depths of Hades and violently shredded the silence. Then there was snort and it happened again. I wondered who could be making these awful noises and how I might murder him or her whilst avoiding prosecution. As the quiet returned, reason took over me and I decided to let it go and get back to the fiche. But then it happened again – gravelly vocal chords grinded together in a most caustic manner then melted into a gurgling of slimy residue. Only a few moments later, there was an encore then another and another. Now I just could not let it go. I got up and walked to the reading room where these sounds emanated. There sat an old man reading the Times Dispatch (folded in quarters, in typical old fuck fashion). He took a breath then did it again. This time the snort was far more intense as he sucked the mucus from the upper reaches of his nasal cavity down into his throat then briefly gargled and swallowed it like a freshly milked load of his daddy’s semen. Then there was a three bass note hum – “m-m-m”. That was all I could take so I decided to confront the nasty fucker. I did so politely of course, because I respect my elders. He was not as refined.
“I got post nasal drip asshole!” he explained, “If you don’t like it go find yourself another fucking library!” He then began to yell, declaring me and my generation the cause of this once great nation’s decline and citing us as the reason “the Chinks are taking over everything”.
Shortly thereafter, the librarian was telling me “You’ll have to leave sir” and the janitor was physically ejecting me from the building. Ironic given that all I did was point out their own “QUIET PLEASE” sign to the old prick. Oh well, I should have known you can’t go up against an old fuck who spends his afternoons gurgling mucus at the library because he is too cheap to spend fifty cents on his own fucking newspaper. Greatest generation my ass! Sorry but being conscripted into the military under force of Federal Law back in the 40’s doesn’t grant you the perpetual right to be a whiney, inconsiderate, disgusting old fuck who burdens society until his heart finally does itself in because it can’t stand listening to your bitching anymore. But I digress.
Anyway, since that day, these monsters have become more and more prevalent. Often they will come together like some abominable orchestra playing an endless symphony of repugnance, each of their throats acting as a different instrument. There’s the standard ahemmer – classically annoying in all respects. Then there are those who start off with a half sneeze which they gradually segue into a short cough followed by inhalation of the resulting expectoration down into their throat which is then cleared with a sonic boom. Next are the staccatos. They rapidly play their notes in short consecutive bursts (approximately seven to ten in a row), not unlike the firing of a Thompson submachine gun. Last, but certainly not least, are the growlers. Think of a rabid German shepherd painfully screaming out his last barks.
Many times I have pondered how anyone could possibly be so selfish and inconsiderate as to continuously drive their fellow man to the verge of homicide, suicide, or just plain insanity.
“I’m afraid it’s more than mere inconsideration,” says Dr. Phillip Randolph, Managing Director of the Institute for Cocksucking Motherfucker Studies (ICMS), a Washington D.C. think tank that seeks effective ways to deal with a wide variety of cocksucking motherfuckers including people who end sentences with prepositions, Ron Paul supporters, the United Way, and those fatsos who always sit next to you on an airplane. “[Chronic throat clearers] seek to destroy our way of life ,” Randolph continues, “They want to make the mere act of being alive painful for the rest of us.”
“But why Dr. Randolph?” I ask.
“Basically these people hate America and they hate freedom but as long as they have it, they’re going to use it to deprive you of your ability to pursue happiness. That my friend is what I refer to as terrorism.”
“Gosh, I never thought it was that serious.”
“Contraire mon frère. Right now these fiends are at work destroying our financial system. In workplaces all across America, they are decimating morale and productivity by tormenting their coworkers. Recently they appear to be enhancing their efforts by combining throat clearing with a plethora of other irritants such as coffee slurping, eating loud foods like apples and potato chips at their desk, and boosting the volume of their voice to extreme decibels when speaking on the phone. Their efforts appear to be paying off too. It’s been estimated that these terrorists will cost corporate America nearly $175 billion in lost productivity this year.”
“Wow! That’s an astounding number! Why don’t employers crack down like they do with March Madness or fantasy football?”
Without hesitation he looks me square in the eye and says, “The Americans with Disabilities Act – the greatest legislative evil this country has ever known.”
* * *
Freddie Womack is a proofreader at a New York based publishing company. An avid throat clearer and coffee slurper, he shares workspace with several coworkers in a cubicle environment.
“Hey, I can’t help it if I got a frog in my throat,” says Womack.
“You realize that continually clearing your throat can be quite irritating to your colleagues.”
“Oh well,” Womack tells me, “It don’t bother me so it shouldn’t bother them.”
“But it does Freddie, it does.”
“I say if they can’t stand the heat, they should get the hell outta the kitchen. Let ‘em go flip burgers if they don’t like it.”
I have the urge to slam my fist into his fucking face right then and there but resist.
Womack’s coworkers, speaking on the condition of anonymity, tell me that they generally have to do their work after hours as it is all but impossible to perform the task of proofreading as long as he is in the office. I asked why they hadn’t brought this to the attention of their manager or Human Resources. They told me that wasn’t an option, a lesson they learned last year when three of their fellow employees were terminated after attempting to raise the issue with management. Womack turned the tables on them and they ended up getting fired for harassment.
“These are terrible, terrible people and they need be stopped,” Dr. Randolph says. “Unfortunately they’ve got the Law on their side.” When I ask how then can we defeat this most elusive enemy, he has one word for me, “vigilantism".
Yes vigilantism, perhaps not an ideal solution but at present it is the only hope for preserving our nation and our freedom. Who will step up to the plate though? Who will put aside their own security, safety, and the well being of themselves and their family to stand up for truth, justice and the American way? Images of Charles Bronson as Paul Kersey cleaning up the streets of New York come to mind. Some may even think of the Batman. But there is no Paul Kersey and there is no Batman and even if there were, it would take much more than a single Polish man with a gun and a Death Wish or a caped crusader and his boy wonder. Clearly it is up to us, all of us. We patriots, the non-throat clearers, must unite. We must stand together as one and let these haters of God and country know that we’re as mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore!
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: 'In God is our trust.'
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave– Francis Scott Key
Comments (22)
-sigh- it's depressing when you get faced with people like that.
Awesome post.
Excellent blog here! Also your web site loads up fast!
What web host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link to
your host? I wish my web site loaded up as quickly as yours lol
Hey there, You have done an incredible job. I'll
certainly digg it and personally suggest to my friends.
I'm sure they'll be benefited from this site.
Unquestionably consider that which you stated.
Your favourite justification seemed to be at the web the easiest factor to remember of.
I say to you, I certainly get irked while other people think about concerns that they plainly don't
understand about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top as well as defined out the whole thing with
no need side-effects , folks could take a signal.
Will probably be back to get more. Thanks
Great post. I was checking constantly this blog and I'm impressed!
I care for such info
Extremely useful info specially the last part
a lot. I was seeking this certain information for a
very long time. Thank you and good luck.
Amazing! This blog looks just like my old one!
It's on a entirely different topic but it has
pretty much the same page layout and design. Excellent choice
of colors!
Hey there just wanted to give you a quick heads up.
The words in your article seem to be running
off the screen in Ie. I'm not sure if this is a formatting issue or something
to do with browser compatibility but I thought I'd post to let you know.
The design and style look great though! Hope you get the issue resolved soon. Cheers
Great article, totally what I was looking for.
I'm not sure why but this site is loading extremely slow for me.
Is anyone else having this issue or is it a problem on my end?
I'll check back later and see if the problem still exists.
Good article. I am facing some of these issues as well..
I have read so many content about the blogger lovers except this piece
of writing is actually a nice article, keep it up.
I think this is one of the most vital info
for me. And i am glad reading your article. But should remark on few general things, The website style is
perfect, the articles is really nice : D. Good job, cheers
I’m not that much of a internet reader to be honest but your sites really
nice, keep it up! I'll go ahead and bookmark your site to come back
in the future. All the best
I believe that is one of the so much significant information for me.
And i am happy reading your article. However want to statement
on few general things, The site style is great, the articles is in reality great : D.
Just right process, cheers
It's awesome in favor of me to have a website, which is beneficial for my know-how.
thanks admin
Magnificent web site. Lots of helpful information here.
I am sending it to a few buddies ans also sharing in delicious.
And of course, thanks to your sweat!
Having read this I thought it was extremely informative.
I appreciate you finding the time and effort to put this content together.
I once again find myself spending a significant amount of time both reading and commenting.
But so what, it was still worth it!
Every weekend i used to visit this web site,
because i wish for enjoyment, for the reason that this
this site conations really pleasant funny data too.
Amazing! This blog looks just like my old one!
It's on a entirely different subject but it has pretty much the same layout and design. Superb choice
of colors!
Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you knew of any widgets I could
add to my blog that automatically tweet my newest twitter
updates. I've been looking for a plug-in like this for quite some time and was hoping maybe
you would have some experience with something like this.
Please let me know if you run into anything.
I truly enjoy reading your blog and I look forward to your
new updates.
It is appropriate time to make some plans for the long run and it is time to be happy.
I have learn this post and if I may I desire to suggest
you some interesting issues or suggestions.
Perhaps you could write next articles regarding this article.
I wish to read more issues approximately it!