December 22, 2013

  • The Worst Gift

    Scratch Tickets -  A Christmas Rant

    12/22/2013  09:00pm

    Is there any shittier a gift one can get for the holidays than a pack of scratch tickets? I mean really. A certain person I know is fond of giving everyone ten dollars worth of scratch tickets each Christmas. It’s the thought that counts and all but the thought here sucks every bit as much as the gift. I once actually proposed that this person perhaps consider just giving me ten dollars going forward. “Yeah but then you’d only have ten bucks,” he replied, “This way you might end up with ten thousand dollars or a hundred thousand or even a million.”

    But I won’t. Well, I can’t say for sure but statistically my asshole is more likely to teach itself to talk than me winning any significant amount of cash. Yet every year there he is again giving everyone those fucking scratch tickets. I think the most I ever saw anybody win was forty bucks. One person won a nominal sum and everybody else got worthless pieces of cardboard  – Merry Fucking Christmas. Personally I would rather get nothing than a scratch ticket. Of course getting a scratch ticket usually amounts to getting nothing, though I would argue it’s actually worse. It’s an insult really, the ultimate “fuck you”. It says “I want to give you nothing for Christmas but I want to give you nothing so much that I’m actually going to spend money to create the illusion you’ve gotten something knowing that, in the end, you will almost certainly end up with nothing.”

    In case you haven’t notice yet, I really hate scratch tickets. And not just at Christmas! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve ended up consuming a large 7-11 coffee before I got to the register to pay for it because some elderly fuck-face was in front of me requesting four Big Moneys, two Pot O’Lucks,  Five Double Your Lucks, half a dozen Golden Tickets, and three Bucks Deluxes which he or she then scratched off while still standing in line. Elderly fuck-faces usually have all the luck when it comes to winning the small prizes so he or she usually wins like twenty dollars and four free tickets which he/she  then exchanges for four Lucky Lemons, five Jumbo Cash Deluxes, two Golden Opportunities and a Max-A-Millions. This is followed by another session of scratching at the goddamn counter and at least another five to seven minute delay before I can pay for my fucking coffee which is now aggressively exerting its pressure on the inner walls of my bladder.

    But enough of this rant. It’s the holidays for fuck’s sake! Peace on earth and goodwill and all that shit.

    And go fuck your mothers!

    create counter

    That is all.

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