December 15, 2013

  • Conversations with Idiots

    You Are What You Eat

    12/15/2013  09:00pm

    “Hey, hey” the idiot says, “tell me I’m a pussy.”

    “What?” I say with a perplexed look. “Why?”

    “Just do it.”

    “No. Why would you want me to call you a pussy?”

    “Just do it, it will be funny.”

    “I’m pretty sure it won’t be.”

    “Come on now, just call me a pussy.”

    Just wanting him to get out of my face I break down and say it. “You’re a pussy.”

    “You are what eat,” he says, breaking into laughter and elbowing me in the ribs, “Get it?”

    “Oh I get it.”

    “Then why aren’t you laughing?” says the idiot.

    “Because it’s not funny.”

    “Sure it’s funny. You are what you eat. Remember those PSAs from back when we were kids?” he then begins singing “You are what you eat from your head down to your feet –.”

    “Um, I gotta go.”

    “What? You don’t think that’s funny? Do you have any sense of humor.”

    “Yes, that’s just not humorous.”

    “You don’t eat pussy or something?”

    “Whether or not I do is irrelevant to the fact that it’s not funny.”

    Just then Stacey MacDonald, the chubby blonde with the snorting laugh, comes over.

    “Hey Stacey,” the idiot says, “tell me I’m a pussy.”

    “You’re a pussy Ted,” she says.

    “Well you are what you eat,” idiot says, his words deteriorating into an obnoxious laugh.

    An explosion of air bursts through Stacey’s nasal cavity, as if she were passing wind through her nostrils, and she begins laughing hysterically. “O-M-G !” she says, “You are so raunchy!” She turns to me, “Keep the kids in the other room when this guy’s around! He is sooooo funny! Dontchya think?”

    “No,” I say.

    “Oh my God, he’s hilarious,” she then turns back to idiot, “You should be a comedian. Have you ever thought about doing an open mic night?”

    “I have but apparently not everybody thinks I’m funny,” idiot says.

    “You really don’t think that joke was funny?” Stacey says to me

    “Nope,” I say.

    “Don’t you get it? He’s a 'p-u-s-s-y' cuz he is what he eats,” she says, spelling rather than saying the word because she’s a lady and all. “He likes to eat you-know-what and because you are what you eat that makes him a –“.

    “I get it,” I say. “Not my type of humor.”

    “Oh, look at Mr. Highbrow over there,” idiot says.

    “I’m no Mr. Highbrow. I just like my humor to be funny.”

    “Oh you wouldn’t know funny if it bit you on the ass,” Stacey says.

    “Don’t you mean ‘a-s-s’, “ I say.

    “Huh?” she says.

    “Exactly!” I say,

    Idiot then says “I once ate a Chinese girl’s pussy. Yeah, I was hungry half an hour later.”

    Stacey cracks up and says “You’re so bad!”

    “It’s funny cuz it’s true,” idiot says.

    Putting aside the racist nature of his joke I feel compelled to point out the inconsistency of his follow-up . “Didn’t you mean to say half an hour later you weren’t Chinese anymore?”

    “Huh?” idiot says.

    “What?” Stacey says with a confused and disgusted look.

    “Don’t quit your day job there SKANLYN. Leave the joke telling to the funny guys,” idiot says.

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