October 15, 2010
Rescued Workers Praise Allah, Pledge Death to America, Israel
SAN JOSE MINE, CHILE – Trapped more than 2,000 feet below the earth’s surface for sixty nine days, Chilean miners stayed strong by converting to Islam and putting their faith in Allah.
“I have no doubt that ar-Rahim spared us so that we may carry out a divine mission on his behalf,” said Jorge Sanchez, 39, one of the first miners to reach the surface. When asked what he thought that mission might be, he stated “death to the Great Satan and destruction of the Zionist regime.”
Fellow miner Antonio Morales then railed against American imperialism, blaspheming of the prophet Muhammad, and opposition to the Ground Zero mosque, just a few of the many offenses that have enraged Allah according to the twenty four year old native of Copiapó. “And let us not forget the continued occupation of Palestinian lands by the illegitimate Jewish state,” he reminded reporters.
Sanchez, Morales, and their coworkers called for suicide bombings in Israel and expressed a desire to obtain one or more dirty bombs to attack such Jew-infested cities as New York, Miami, and Philadelphia. They then called the holocaust “history’s greatest lie” and encouraged fellow Chileans to embrace the religion of peace and martyr themselves at the site of Jewish temples and synagogues. Sanchez also stated that he wished to travel to the United States to have sexual relations with the little girl from Kick Ass then stone the child for adultery. He said he also hoped to coordinate terrorist attacks against the nation’s public transit systems while there.
Praising their bravery and calling their resolve “inspirational”, President Obama this evening extended a White House invitation to all thirty three of the rescued miners. “Let us be tolerant of their new found faith,” said the President, “I, as both an African American and a Muslim, am all too familiar with the oppression our nation has brought upon citizens of the world both here and abroad. While I do not condone the acts of violence that are committed daily in the name of my faith, my sympathies do lie deep with those who have been forced into desperation by the arrogant foreign policy of prior administrations.” Mr. Obama ended his remarks with his standard closing of “Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah”.