January 27, 2010
IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR RONALD . . .
You sure as Hell won’t find him here! Nor will you find Mayor McCheese or the Hamburglar or Birdie or that big purple retard who’s always drinking the shakes. No, there’s no talking trio of Hamburger/Soft Drink/Fries (all regular size!) and Mac Tonight doesn’t tickle the ivories in the lounge. Here you’ll find only pale bald children with stage IV carcinomas retching and crying, their emaciated frames trembling from the toxic chemicals circulating through their ailing bodies with little or no effect on the rampant metastases raging within. The stench of vomit permeates as hoarse voices beg parents and staff to just let them go to Jesus already.
Hungry are you? Well you’re shit out of luck! You can’t get a Big Mac here at the Ronald McDonald House or a Quarter Pounder or a Filet O’Fish or even a McLean Fucking Deluxe. And you can just forget about trying a McDLT (the delicious new sandwich specially packaged to keep the beef hot and the cool crisp). Some glucose in an i.v. drip is about as tasty as it gets around here. Now that’s what I call an “Unhappy Meal”!
Man, this place is really bringing me down! Fuck the Ronald McDonald House! I’m off to the much more uplifting P.F. Chang Pagoda where pretty Asian girls carrying trays of egg rolls roam the halls in search of tense occidentals needing backrubs and hand-jobs.