October 30, 2009

• My Slasher Film

  Something evil lurks in the dark of night. The dismembered bodies of young women are piling up all around town. A woman with a haunted past vows stop the killer and bring him to justice. She’ll team up with a most unlikely ally in a race against time that is sure to keep you on the edge of your seat.

   Terror has a new set of initials  .  .  .

  P. B.

  11/03/2009 12:57am

  As most of you know, when I’m not blogging about the issues of the day out here on the Xanga, I am an acclaimed director of motion pictures. My latest project, entitled P.B., opens next Friday. An intellectual slasher film, as I like to call it, P.B. is a tale of revenge and redemption. It all begins one night when young professional Tommy Mitchell comes home to his girlfriend Debra Ferrick. He tells her about a most exciting commercial he just heard on the radio. The actress who played the Captain’s daughter on The Love Boat was inviting everyone within listening distance to “get out of Dodge”. In celebration of the opening of Fijian Isles, Sin City’s newest five star resort, an all expenses paid trip to Las Vegas was awaiting anyone willing to dial the 800 number.  In fact, if you called in the next ten minutes, she would even throw in tickets to a hot show – right on the strip! But alas, Debra is eight months pregnant and both airline restrictions and doctor’s orders prohibit her from flying.

  “I’ll just get an abortion,” she proposes.

  “Not in this state,” laments Tommy, thinking of the continued erosion of reproductive rights by the Republican Nazis in the state legislature. The quick thinking Debra then suggests they cross the border into their more enlightened blue state neighbor, which properly extends a woman’s right to choose right up until labor. They take a road trip and are then on the next plane to Vegas for three days/two nights of glitz, glamour, gambling, and a four and a half hour high pressure sales pitch on Fijian Isles time shares.

  As the jet carrying them leaps into the sunset, we cut to the alley behind the clinic where Debra’s procedure was performed. There is a close up of a garbage bag lying at the top of the dumpster. Suddenly, a little bloody arm bursts through the plastic. The tiny fingers clench into a fist, foreshadowing the horrors to come.

  Later that night, a religious kook named John Paul Benedict is seen creeping into the alley under cover of darkness. A typical Christian, Benedict carries a duffel bag full of explosives that he plans to install in and around the clinic then detonate the next day during peak pregnancy termination hours. As he is about to begin his work, he hears child-like cry from the dumpster. He goes over to investigate and discovers the ejected parasite lying there all battered and blood stained. Taking a psychotic liking to the little monster, he decides to take it home and blasphemously raise it as if it were a wanted child, naming it P.B.

  Fast forwarding twenty five years, Debra (now played by real life abortion haver Amy Brenneman) is a Pro-choice activist who works tirelessly to preserve and extend women’s rights. In speeches she speaks optimistically of a day when no woman will have to drive more than an hour when seeking a third trimester abortion in order to accept a free trip to Vegas. Though Debra offers hope to the masses, all is not well. Women who have patronized area clinics have begun turning up dead. We learn that P. B. is behind the murders. Now all grown up and played by Chris Burke (“Corky”, the lovable retard from TV’s Life Goes On), P.B. has been brainwashed with the evil Christian values of his stepfather. Breaking into the clinic where he was to be terminated so many years ago, he finds the records from that night and narrows down his possible mothers until he is able to determine that it is Debra Ferrick.

  Soon after, Debra is awoken by a bump in the night. She notices that Tommy (to whom she is still unwed) is not lying next to her. She calls his name and gets no answer then proceeds to get out of bed to look for him. In the kitchen she finds P.B. standing over his lifeless body. P.B. tells her how he is the result of her failed abortion and that he is going to make her pay. She asks whether he is going to kill her and he says “no”. Instead, he will continue to kill other women who have abortions, leaving her to live with the guilt of having indirectly caused their deaths. “I could have been a movie star, or an astronaut, or even the President of the United States” he tells her before fleeing into the night.

  We are then introduced to right-wing Senator R. Stephen Dunhill (played by Alec “you are a rude, thoughtless little pig” Baldwin). Having sold his soul to the evangelical Christian voting block, Dunhill is a fierce opponent of abortion rights when we first meet him at a rally celebrating the anniversary of Matthew Shepherd’s arrival in Hell. He continually lobbies for prayer in public schools and participates in ceremonial burnings of science text books and pornographic novels like Catcher in the Rye. His tune changes, however, when his daughter Emily is murdered. Upon her exit from a nail salon at a local strip mall, P.B. mistakes her for a customer of the neighboring abortion clinic and slashes her throat.

  “There is no God!” Dunhill declares to a TV reporter. Debra sees this on the evening news and decides to pay him a visit. She tells him she knows who killed his daughter and explains the story.

  “It’s my fault!” says the Senator, “had I not so vehemently opposed Federal funding for abortion clinics, the facility that performed your abortion would have had the proper tools to do the job right and my daughter would still be alive!”

  “You can’t blame yourself for that now,” Debra tells him, “What’s done is done. Right now we have to find P.B. and stop him before he can do it again.”

  The two unite for their common purpose and proceed to hunt down P.B. As they do, a friendship develops, eventually leading the Senator to share his deepest, darkest secret with her. “I like boys,” he admits, “young boys”.  She tells him it’s all right and now that he’s accepted that there is no God and no such thing as sin, he is free to explore that which he desires most.

  "Let the lure of your own pleasure be your only moral compass,” she says,  “Once you drop the ridiculous notion of a sky man judging you, you are free to indulge in all sorts hedonistic sensualities that were once so taboo!”

  “Gosh, I never realized about how stupid I was for being Christian all those years. To think that I kept myself from having sex with small boys ‘cause I thought I’d go to hell,” he says.

  Debra urges him to find himself a significant other. She has him purchase large bag of Tootsie Rolls and they go patrolling the neighborhood in search of love. Unable to get a single boy to accept his candy and get in the car, however, he quickly becomes discouraged and is ready to give up. During a monologue of self pity in the park one afternoon, Debra encourages him to expose himself to a boy standing by the swings.

  “But, but  .  .  . no. I mean, I could never  .  .  .,” he says hesitantly.

  “Trust me Stephen, just do it,” she replies.

  He decides to follow her advice and the boy, who is named Jared, ends up performing oral sex on him. They quickly fall in love but the romance appears to end before it even began. With a sinister plan brewing, P.B. kidnaps the boy and, to spare his life, demands that the Senator accept a most evil proposition that will force him to betray the very woman who made his love affair with young Jared possible.

  What does Senator Dunhill do in the face of this grave moral dilemma? You’ll of course have to see the movie to find out. I assure you that you will not be disappointed. Amy Brenneman and Alec Baldwin are both outstanding in their respective roles. It is Chris Burke though who truly gives a knockout performance. At the audition, I remember him telling me how sick he was of being type-cast as the happy-go-lucky mongoloid and how he felt this was the perfect role to help him shake that image. I must admit, at first I really didn’t think he could pull it off.  Sure his droopy face, over-sized tongue, and other distorted features make him most believable as a failed abortion before a single layer of make-up is applied. Even still, he is a chromosomal fuck-up who should have rightfully been killed before he had a chance make it out of his mama’s gash. What can I say though? I’m a sucker for a retard who dreams big. I decided to take a chance on him and I am oh-so-glad I did. Believe me, you’ve never been so terrified of a ‘tard.

  P. B. opens nationwide on Friday.

   

  • 5:41 pm
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