August 16, 2009

  • Make Miley Wholesome Again

    An Open Letter to Billy Ray Cyrus

     

    Dear Mr. Ray Cyrus,

     

    I just want to start by saying that I am a huge fan of your work.  I consider Some Gave All to be the absolute greatest record album of the 1990’s (all genres considered). Aside from the Beatles and the Stones, few artists’ work holds up as well as yours. Anyone who’s ever been to the AMF lanes on a Saturday night knows just how wild the crowd gets when they pump “Achy Breaky Heart” just before closing time! Everyone totally drops their balls and the place erupts into a jamboree of line dancing and song! Man, your daughter Miley sure must be proud to have such a superstar like you for a daddy! Not that you’re not equally as proud to have a superstar like her for a daughter (I’m sure she’ll too have a cosmic bowling anthem of her own someday – “Party in the USA” perhaps?).

     

    Ah yes, dear sweet Miley, the real subject of my letter. How hard it must be as a father to hear the media reporting on another scandal involving your nubile teen daughter every other day. First there were the leaked cell phone pictures of her in extra cute (though relatively unrevealing) undies. Then there was the topless Vanity Fair pictorial in which her succulent young breasts were covered only by her top and a bed sheet. Next were those shocking paparazzi photos which captured her wearing a bikini on the beach. And just last week we witnessed her latest act of unrighteousness on the Teen Choice Awards when she performed a striptease (sans the stripping). Every jaw in the house dropped straight to the floor. “Is this even legal?” some wondered.

     

    I must say that I have developed somewhat of a concern over the public’s reaction to these events. At the same time, I am also quite perplexed by it. After all, for most girls her age living outside the Muslim world, none of these episodes would so much as raise an eyebrow. Why then, you may ask, is there such uproar when it’s Miley? I can only speculate but it is clear that Ms. Cyrus is not like her peers, the vast majority of whom are unattractive pigs with bad skin, braces, and may be as much as three to five pounds overweight. Unlike them, Miley is good looking – really, really good looking.

     

     

    Yes, your daughter has been cursed with the vice known as beauty. Unfortunately, as long as she carries this defect, celebrity bloggers will call her “Slutty Cyrus” every time she puts on heels. Likewise, angry parents will comment with disgust whenever there is a news story suggesting that she is attracted to boys at her tender young age. This can only mean a life of unhappiness and disrespect for the poor girl.

     

    Mr. Ray Cyrus [Billy, if I may] – you must rid your daughter of this evil! As difficult as I know it will be for you to do, you need to fetch a bucket of acid at once and toss it onto Miley. I know it sounds horrible but only by hideously disfiguring her with chemical burns can you save her from the same contempt and derision that pushed fellow Disney star Lindsay Lohan into a life of substance abuse, unemployability, and lesbianism (although the latter might be kind of hot, especially if it involved that Asian chick from the show with the twins).

     

    Yes, it will be tough to hear her horrific screams of “Daddy why?! Why daddy why?!” and it will be even tougher to see her once pretty face transformed into a disfigured mess that would scare off even Sloth from The Goonies. It is necessary, however, and it is the only way she can be the tween idol that all the suburban house mothers expect her to be. Once the stinging tears have evaporated from her raw burned skin and the pain has subsided to a tolerable enough level that it can be controlled by a light narcotic such as Vicodin, I believe you will start to see immediate benefits. Her music will finally be taken seriously as critics start taking note of how she sounds rather than how she looks. Also, you’ll no longer have to worry about the Hannah Montana writers pulling a fast one and introducing a love interest for her, with its implications of French kissing, feel copping, and over the clothes naughty place touching. I mean that would be quite unrealistic given that only rows of blistery tumors remain of her lips, the raw skin on her mammary glands requires a constant air tight wrapping to prevent bacterial infection, and .  .  . well I’ll spare you the gruesome details of her genitals (eeesh!). Instead, the show can start to focus on more important issues like helping children deal with classmates that might be different and loving the Lord and your daddy even after they’ve  allowed caustic anti-alkaline liquids to painfully corrode your flesh. Who knows, she may even be nominated for an Oscar when producers start casting her in more serious roles (e.g., Mask II, The Elephant Girl, The Woman without a Face).

     

    Billy, Mr. Ray Cyrus, won’t you please give Miley the life she deserves. Throw that acid on her face, neck, chest, and lap and make this dream a reality.

     

    Thank you so much for allowing me the opportunity to provide these constructive parenting tips.

    God bless.

    Ever truly yours,

    SKANLYN

Comments (42)

  • Greg Giraldo was the best roast comedian ever.

  • Have you ever thought about writing an ebook or guest authoring on other websites?
    I have a blog based upon on the same ideas you discuss and
    would love to have you share some stories/information. I
    know my viewers would appreciate your work. If you are even remotely interested,
    feel free to send me an e-mail.

  • Fastidious answers in return of this query with genuine
    arguments and describing everything regarding that.

  • Hey very nice blog!

  • Hi, this weekend is pleasant in support of me, as this moment i am reading this wonderful educational article
    here at my house.

  • Thanks a lot for sharing this with all people you really understand what you are talking approximately!
    Bookmarked. Kindly also visit my site =). We will have a hyperlink change agreement among us

  • Hi there I am so delighted I found your webpage, I really found you
    by error, while I was looking on Yahoo for something else,
    Nonetheless I am here now and would just like to say many thanks for a fantastic
    post and a all round exciting blog (I also love the theme/design),
    I don't have time to read through it all at the minute but I have book-marked it and also added in your
    RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read much more,
    Please do keep up the fantastic work.

  • Howdy would you mind sharing which blog platform you're using?
    I'm going to start my own blog in the near future but I'm having
    a tough time selecting between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal.

    The reason I ask is because your design seems different then most blogs and I'm looking for something unique.
    P.S Apologies for being off-topic but I had to ask!

  • It's remarkable designed for me to have a web
    site, which is beneficial in favor of my knowledge.
    thanks admin

  • I’m not that much of a online reader to be honest
    but your blogs really nice, keep it up! I'll go ahead and bookmark your website to come back down the road.
    Many thanks

  • Hi there, I enjoy reading all of your post. I wanted to write a little comment to
    support you.

  • Hello there! I could have sworn I've been to this blog before but after reading through some of the post I realized it's new to me.
    Nonetheless, I'm definitely delighted I found it and I'll be
    book-marking and checking back frequently!

  • It's very effortless to find out any topic on net as compared to textbooks, as I found this post at
    this website.

  • Spot on with this write-up, I actually believe
    this amazing site needs a great deal more attention. I'll probably be returning to
    read through more, thanks for the info!

  • What's Happening i'm new to this, I stumbled upon this
    I've found It absolutely helpful and it has helped me out loads.
    I'm hoping to contribute & aid different users like its aided me.

    Great job.

  • Superb blog you have here but I was wondering if you knew of any user discussion forums that cover the same
    topics discussed in this article? I'd really love to be a
    part of community where I can get feedback from other knowledgeable
    individuals that share the same interest. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.
    Thank you!

  • I am really loving the theme/design of your weblog. Do you ever
    run into any browser compatibility problems? A number of my blog audience have complained about my blog not working correctly in Explorer but looks
    great in Opera. Do you have any suggestions to
    help fix this problem?

  • Excellent blog right here! Additionally your web site
    a lot up fast! What web host are you the use of? Can I am getting
    your affiliate link in your host? I wish my web site loaded up as quickly as yours lol

  • Have you ever thought about publishing an ebook or guest authoring on other websites?

    I have a blog based on the same subjects you discuss and would really like
    to have you share some stories/information. I know my viewers would appreciate your work.
    If you're even remotely interested, feel free to
    send me an e-mail.

  • Hi, the whole thing is going perfectly here and ofcourse every one is sharing facts, that's truly good, keep up writing.

  • Hi, i think that i saw you visited my website so i came to “return the favor”.I am trying to find things to improve
    my web site!I suppose its ok to use a few of your ideas!!

  • I don't know if it's just me or if everyone else encountering problems with your blog.
    It appears as though some of the text within your posts are running off the screen. Can someone else
    please provide feedback and let me know if this is happening
    to them as well? This might be a issue with my web browser because I've had this happen before.
    Appreciate it

  • whoah this blog is fantastic i love studying your
    posts. Keep up the great work! You know, many individuals are hunting around for this info, you can help
    them greatly.

  • I blog often and I genuinely appreciate your content.
    Your article has really peaked my interest.
    I will take a note of your site and keep checking for new details about once
    a week. I opted in for your RSS feed as well.

  • Hi to every , because I am in fact keen of reading this web site's post to be updated on a regular basis.
    It contains good data.

  • I have read so many content concerning the blogger lovers but this
    paragraph is in fact a pleasant piece of writing, keep it up.

  • Great work! That is the kind of information that should be shared around the net.
    Disgrace on Google for no longer positioning this put up upper!
    Come on over and talk over with my web site . Thank you =)

  • Heya! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any issues with hackers?
    My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended
    up losing many months of hard work due to no data backup.
    Do you have any solutions to protect against hackers?

  • It's truly very complicated in this active life to listen news on Television, therefore I only use web for that purpose, and take the latest information.

  • I am regular reader, how are you everybody? This post
    posted at this web site is really nice.

  • Good Post! I am excited to reading more from you in the future. You have some very good ideas above.

  • That is a really good tip especially to those new to
    the blogosphere. Simple but very accurate info… Thanks for sharing this one.
    A must read article!

  • Hello there! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a
    quick shout out and tell you I truly enjoy reading your posts.
    Can you recommend any other blogs/websites/forums that
    cover the same subjects? Thank you so much!

  • Your mode of explaining all in this article is in fact nice, all be able to without difficulty
    know it, Thanks a lot.

  • Since the admin of this web site is working, no question very shortly it will
    be renowned, due to its feature contents.

  • Hi there! I could have sworn I've been to this blog before but after
    browsing through some of the post I realized it's new to me.
    Nonetheless, I'm definitely delighted I found it and I'll be bookmarking and checking back often!

  • I loved as much as you'll receive carried out right here.
    The sketch is tasteful, your authored material stylish.
    nonetheless, you command get got an shakiness over that you
    wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably
    come further formerly again since exactly the same nearly very often inside case you shield this increase.

  • Excellent, what a web site it is! This weblog provides helpful
    information to us, keep it up.

  • Thanks for sharing your info. I truly appreciate your
    efforts and I will be waiting for your next post thanks once again.

  • I am extremely impressed together with your writing talents and also with the layout in your weblog.
    Is this a paid theme or did you customize it your self?
    Either way keep up the nice high quality writing, it is uncommon to look a great weblog like this one these
    days..

  • Hurrah, that's what I was exploring for, what a data! existing
    here at this web site, thanks admin of this site.

  • Her insights may not cover every situation, but I've always found them to be
    in the ballpark. The condition results out of the changes in the weight bearing activities or due to the over-working
    of the foot. Are you looking for information on human parasites.

Post a Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.